the next undertaking

 ...which i do not look forward to.

writing pains me. it is a difficult, time-consuming, soul-grieving process. i might write on...say...the merits of the marvel cinematic universe and many would disagree and my feelings may suffer for a bit but honestly, who cares? they're movies. if i write about things that don't matter, then the jabs that i receive for expressing these opinions matter even less.

however, if i write about the things that matter most to me, the things that matter to all people whether or not they believe they matter, and in fact, the things that most people believe matter least of all, then my feelings take a severe hit when others either disagree, call me an idiot, or ignore me completely. this last one hurts the most.

imagine abandoning yourself to your beliefs, desperate in anticipation for everyone to acknowledge your wisdom, wit, and unfathomable intelligence, to be delivered from their absolute ignorance and stupidity, only to be ignored not just by people you do not know and will never meet, but by everyone close to you. no one wants to know what i have to say. yes. i am a bit full of myself. isn't everyone? to have an opinion is to have an opinion that you believe is correct and that everyone who disagrees is incorrect. i do not have opinions though. i have beliefs about God, man, and his eternal destiny. opinions do not matter but the truth does. i have the truth but no one wants it and now i feel this push to write again, more truth that no one will receive, want, or thank me for.

is that why i wrote the first book? gratitude, admiration, adoration? partly, yes. ultimately, no. i wrote it because i could not do anything else. i love what i wrote and i love the ideas. i believe they are the truth and  everything that contradicts them is a lie. i believe they contain the foundation of my faith and a small measure of the greatness of my God but there is more truth to be had, to be expressed, regardless of whether or not anyone receives it. i must leave that concern to God. i must give myself to this even if no one wants it, no one reads it, no one congratulates me, or thanks me, or says "you changed my life," because ultimately, i am no one. i change nothing. i deserve no thanks or congratulations.

And what right do I have to speak on any topic with any sort of weight? I'm no one. Why do I feel like my words matter as much or more than any other person's? Many better men have written on these matters with far more intelligence, wit, and wisdom. What can I possibly contribute? Every minute of writing, I waver between self congratulatory admiration and insecure self doubt. 

The Outline

Christianity is the Truth
historic/scientific
philosophic
sociologically/psychologically
Everything else is a Lie
atheism
every false religion
catholicism
christianity-like cults

just looking at this, i realize how far beyond me this is. the first book, i studied that material for years. i don't look into and haven't investigated apologetics because i don't care about it. God saves by his Spirit not by reason, but this...i have to. i didn't care about it but now i do. i just need more books and some things i don't even know where to find. i am so unequipped to do this...