anti-social media

the year was 1990 and i was graduating from foothill high school in bakersfield, california. i was going to work at my father's refinery over the summer. he didn't own the refinery; that was just where he worked. his company (again not his), Texaco, had given me a scholarship that would pay for just about all of my college education. they had also offered me a summer job.

i graduated near the top of my class and like anyone who does this, i had high expectations for myself. i was going to be a computer engineer. in 1990, that was pretty lofty. my mom was a teacher and my dad never finished college. but i got sidetracked.

first i married. then i finished school. then we had children. then i became a teacher. i loved teaching. then everything unraveled as i lost my sanity to a pornography addiction. career gone. new career. other career gone. marriage dead. i moved into my parents' extra room and shared custody with my ex-wife and watched her move on as i attempted first a master's degree in math (failed) then a master's in english (less failed but still failed).

in 2010, i was 38 years old, separated, unemployed, had cashed out three separate retirement accounts just to survive and not place undue burden on my parents, failed at two separate careers, failed at a master's degree in math (yet to fail an english master's), trying to escape the hold of the pornography, desperately alone, sitting on the floor of my new bedroom that i shared with my two boys when they visited me at my parents' house, weeping almost uncontrollably.

the good news is that i rarely feel suicidal anymore. i attend a recovery group as often as my schedule allows or my attitude will accept (increasingly more, thank God). i am still divorced and i am still single. though i want a relationship, the thought terrifies me. i have been destructive and i have been destroyed. i do not want either again. i do not trust myself and i trust others less. i have a part-time job teaching at a vocational college, sometimes i drive for lyft, and i edit classic out-of-print public domain books that i sell on amazon for a little bit of retirement cash. i am a bit lonely but less so. i am not lonely/angry like i was during the marriage. trust comes slowly.

social media doesn't help. social media is the illusion of social interaction. on social media, we only allow others to see what we want them to see. most of us put our best facade forward, and we avoid those who do not. who needs drama? but drama is what makes us human. drama is how we relate to each other. drama is how we know we are genuinely human and not obscene plastically perfect caricatures of humanity. but drama on social media is uncomfortable, embarrassing, shameful. drama should be private and excessive drama should be avoided. in real life, we resolve drama as much as possible with those we love. these resolutions strengthen our connections.

on social media we pretend. we miss the little details: the smiles, the playful sarcasm, the honesty (if honesty is there at all). i am not the person i am on social media. on social media i am a clown or a raging political/theological world changer (or i think i am). mostly just a clown.

on social media everyone pretends. the few who may not be pretending may not need to pretend that their life is perfect, because it is. who even knows? this is the other side of the madness. social media invites comparison and comparison breeds envy of the worst kind.

i should be more
i should be different
i should be rich
i should be with her
i should be famous
i should be everything i am not

at least it does for someone like me: insecure, unstable, unsure of my purpose on this planet, of why God bothered to create me at all. but He did create me, and He created me for a reason. my life is the beginning of this reason. all of the failure, all of the pain, all of the insanity--He uses these to shape my soul. who knows why? i do not, but He does. the reality is that i should be more and God will make me more. He has already begun to, but not because of what i see here or there with this person or that person, but because God has made me to be me.