Thursday

Buddy turned 20 yesterday and I totally forgot until I saw someone maybe Jayme post something but I don't know how I remembered. we bought some pizza from california pizza chicken. She's Jayme Coyle now by the way. Not sure how I feel about that but I'm happy for her. She gets what she wants—a normal happy life. That's great. I never wanted that. I only ever wanted an epic soul strengthening God glorifying one in a billion masterpiece of a life. like Jim Elliot or John Calvin or John Wycliffe. burn me at this goddamned stake--nothing less! Only God can do this and it's not gonna happen in a few years. Will it even happen at all? IDK. Maybe.

I was reading Jonathan Edwards yesterday (sermon: HOPE AND COMFORT USUALLY FOLLOW GENUINE HUMILIATION AND REPENTANCE) and he was describing my exact situation. Years ago I read a verse in Hosea that I totally identified with.

I will give her her vineyards from there and the valley of Achor for a door of hope; and she shall sing there as in the days of her youth and as in the day when she came up out of the land of Egypt

It was me. I had failed like Achan in Joshua 7(?). They named the valley after him after they executed him and his entire family and burned all his possessions when he disobeyed the Lord. I deserved this as well. But God here promises to redeem the failure of Achan. I feel for Achan and Saul. I have the same failures—lust, fear, disobedience—if God condemns them then he condemns me. i sin so much. every day, so many times. how can i be God's? how can his Spirit dwell within me?

he would first bring her into the wilderness; he would bring her into trouble and distress, and so humble her, and then allure her by speaking comfortingly to her

God humbled Israel, the proud nation, the Chosen Ones of the Lord. before she had this hope and comfort give, she should be brought into great trouble and distress to humble her. God brought her into the wilderness to humble her and fit her to receive vineyards and to make her see her dependence on God for them, that she might not attribute the blessing to idols as she had done before. no one i knew was more vain, more self-centered, more proud than me. i was a shy kid but i thought i was amazing. i went to harvard don't you know? I'm still proud even after all of my failures. i still think i'm smarter than everyone else, that i don't need to follow the rules because i know better, i'm more intelligent, I WENT TO HARVARD I EARNED A MATH DEGREE WHO OF YOU WENT TO HARVARD NONE OF YOU THAT'S GODDAMN RIGHT

that's how i feel and no one can convince me otherwise. except God can and he has and he is. Edwards says God brings us trouble because of our sin. in my case, my sin brings me trouble. it's the same thing. 

sometimes they fear that they have but a short time to live, and that God will soon cast them to hell; that none ever were as they are, who ever found mercy; that their case is peculiar, and that all wherein they differ from others is for the worse. in the issue of all they are afraid they shall perish forever. they are afraid that when they die they shall go down to hell, and there have their portion appointed them in everlasting burnings. this is the sum of all their fears. the end of this trouble in those whom God designs mercy is to humble them.

i am the worst addict i have ever known and i used to attend those SAA meetings. the only guy maybe worse than me died of an OD about twenty years ago. so i win because he's dead.

i don't know what God is doing. sometimes I don't even know if he is doing anything. how can i know this? i can only know by faith. that's all we have. he doesn't speak audibly to us. he doesn't present himself before us in physical form. he will never make it that easy. he will never destroy faith by giving sight, not until we pass on, anyway. don't you charismatics understand? he doesn't want you to be that shallow. he gives us trouble for our good, for our strength, for us to know who we are and who he is. He keeps us at a distance because he loves us, because he knows this causes us to seek him, to be desperate for him, to humble ourselves before him and beg for his presence. your pastor can't give you a "word from the Lord" because God wants you to seek him yourself and it will rarely be an wonderful ecstatic emotional experience. most of the time you will be on your knees, begging God to show himself and show you belong to him after you've failed him again and again and again... you need to know how weak and sad and pathetic you are before you can begin to know how wonderful and powerful he is. until then, you're just glorifying yourself.